Why Does My Child Behave This Way?
The Real Causes of Abusive and Obnoxious Behavior
Is your child's behavior unacceptable? Is he/she defiant, disrespectful? Does he/she suffer from Oppositional Defiant Disorder or ADHD?
The Total Transformation program will help you to understand why some kids exhibit bad behaviors, it's actually the beginning of finding out how to stop them.
On the first CD, a very professional sounding presentation takes place between James Lehman, a man and a woman. It's in the form of an interview like discussion. It's very easy and interesting to listen to. The interview like questions really help with understanding since they ask for examples.
Some of the points James Lehman talks about in Lesson One is the fact that:
Disrespectful, obnoxious and abusive behavior is NOT caused by a parent:
Saying the wrong thing
Doing the wrong thing
Expecting too much
Being unsympathetic to feelings
Failing to understand their child
Refusing to listen
Failing to give enough of one's self, one's time or one's money.
Disrespectful, obnoxious and abusive compensates for a child's:
Faulty reasoning
Poor problem solving skills
Perception of powerlessness
Need to control
Low tolerance for frustration
Intellectual and functional laziness
Fears and insecurities
Disrespectful , obnoxious and abusive behavior is NOT:
A symptom of mental illness
Caused by low self esteem
Disrespectful, obnoxious and abusive behavior IS:
Generated by extreme self-centeredness
Practiced and reinforced through fantasy
Centered at home, with siblings the most frequent targets
A learned and rewarded behavior
***Each one of the above "points " are gone over in detail on the audio CD and in the workbook
James then goes on to talk about how kids are so perceptive, that they pick up on parents who think it's their fault. The kid actually falls into the mindset that "yeah I'm having a problem, my parents are doing a terrible job". Kids "train" their parents that it's their fault. He goes on to say that parents fall into the "why" trap. We start asking our kids "why" did you do that? The kid then goes on to make excuses. When you ask why, you're asking the child "who do you blame for this, what is your excuse for this"? So the child will then come up and give an excuse or blame somebody else and we accept that. So then what happens is when the child does something wrong later on, all he has to do is make an excuse or find somebody to blame and he's off the hook.
Parents/siblings are usually the best targets to blame: "well if you didn't look at me that way, I wouldn't have yelled" etc. The child is "training" the parent into thinking they are the ones doing something wrong, "am I too hard on him", "maybe I should be letting her do this or that". It gets to the point where your child is blaming you for everything.
What the Total Transformation program does is help the parent to teach their kids the problem solving skills, which ultimately takes the guilt away from the parent. It's designed to train parents on how to be more effective with their kids. The parents need to learn about their children so that they can give them other ways to solve their problems other than being a bully or acting out or being destructive or hurtful to others. The parents need to try different things that are effective and if you try them it will then be up to your child. It's up to your child to develop ways of coping with life and it's up to parents to teach that child, but then it's up to that child to learn. It's the parents' responsibility to teach, but it's the child's responsibility to learn.
Characteristics & Practices of Children with Disrespectful, Obnoxious and Abusive Behavior
What these children are thinking, how they act and what they aim to accomplish
"When you step back and observe your child's behavior, common themes or patterns often emerge. These characteristics and patterns of behavior appear to be reactions to you and others in the child's daily life, but are instead maladaptive characteristics and practices that can be summarized in the following catagories."
**James includes 16 characteristics and goes into detail about each one on the audio CD and workbook. I am going to list 6.
VICTIM STANCE:
The child sees himself as the victim in any situation, rejecting the idea that he is responsible for what has happened and should be held accountable.
INJUSTICE:
The child constantly sees things as unfair, thereby justifying his failure to follow the rules. When challenged, he seeks to make unfairness the focus, instead of dealing with the unacceptable behavior.
ONE WAY TRAINING:
The child uses a variety of inappropriate behaviors to train parents and adults about what to expect of him if he's resisted, opposed or otherwise does not get what he wants. He resists all efforts to train him to use appropriate methods to get what he wants.
FALSE APOLOGIES:
The child does not acknowledge wrongdoing, even when apologizing. "I'm sorry" becomes , I'm sorry, but..it was your/their fault" or ."but you made me, "or."but I couldn't help it"
TURN AROUND:
The child constantly puts others on the defensive when held accountable. The issue at hand gets "turned around" so that the parent, adult or other child is put on the spot, feeling forced to do the explaining. Statements such as "It's not fair" or "You don't trust me", "Love me", or "appreciate me", puts parents in the position of having to defend the fairness of their trust, love or appreciation.
ANGER WITH AN ANGLE:
The child often appears to lose control, or claims to have lost control after an aggressive, destructive or abusive incident. This "loss of control" inevitably leads to him having more control or power over those around him. Others are afraid to trigger him into another "out of control" episode. This is defensiveness personified. All of this serves to support the child's defensiveness around taking responsibility for his/her actions.
**Also included in your workbook are:
A pre-test (a few true/false questions)
A characteristic profile which will help you to determine which behaviors are the most problematic . This will give you a place to begin.
Action Steps Lesson One: At the end of each lesson, there will be a section called action steps. This is where James will help you to implement what you have just learned. He will also tell you what to expect when implementing this lesson.
Okay, so are you sitting there with your mouth wide open, just kind of stunned because you read some of the characteristics and was like "Oh my Gosh, that's exactly what my kid does". When I first listened to the CD and read the workbook, I can definitely tell you that's exactly what I was saying! Oh, and by the way, remember that I only listed 6 of the 16 characteristics. I can tell you that my child scored high on 7 of the 16 which means that they accurately described my child's behavior. It's kind of scary!
James puts this program together in such a way that it's very easy to understand and he breaks it down in steps so you don't feel overwhelmed and you can focus on one thing at a time. He explains things in such depth that you really understand what he's talking about.
I was just completely amazed when I listened to this for the 1st time and the 2nd time for that matter. I would have never been able to put together the things that he talks about on my own. But I guess that's why he has his Master's in Social Work and I don't! Speaking of his background, it's interesting to know that James actually "quit school, left home, lived on the streets of New York city and drifted into a life of substance abuse and crime, which led to numerous prison sentences" He was abandoned at the age of 2 and went on to be adopted, but he began to exhibit oppositional and defiant behavior at home and in the classroom and as he grew older, these behaviors became more severe.
After more than 6 years in various jails and prisons, he was given the opportunity to participate in an accountability focused treatment program, he graduated and the rest is history..He went on to graduate with a Master's Degree in Social Work. So, for me, knowing his background and what he's been through himself, he also has a son with ADHD, makes me all that more receptive to what he's saying. He has that been there, done that kind of way about him, how he talks and addresses things are very down to earth, he's very likable. He made me feel very at ease.
There's no doubt in my mind that this is an excellent program and I can HONESTLY say that I could relate to 95% of what he talks about. It just all makes so much sense and once you read or listen you'll be like "wow, that's so true".
Read the Critical Analysis of Dr. Quinn
So this is a sneak peek at Lesson One, I hope you found it to be helpful in getting an idea of what the program is about. If you're ready, jump to Total Transformation Lesson 2.
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