INEFFECTIVE PARENTING ROLES
James list 7 "ineffective parenting roles" and explains each in depth on both the CD and the workbook. I am going to list 4.
BOTTOMLESS POCKETS:
Overindulges the child materially, often to stop the child's constant demands, or to "prevent" behavior problems.
Often spends money he doesn't have, but it's easier to go in debt than to suffer the reactions when the child hears "no".
Doesn't require child to earn things. Money is handed out to avoid problems rather than as a reward for meeting expectations, or giving extra effort.
Confuses wants and needs. Few limits are set on the child's buying habits, so he never learns to prioritize needs from wants.
WHAT THE CHILD LEARNS
A false sense of entitlement. Rewards seem to come whether the child earns them or simply demand them.
Disdain for work and sacrifice. Because it is relatively easy to obtain money or goods from parents with begging, threats or tantrums, the child doesn't learn about the reality of having to work for rewards or compensation.
Material measurement of others. The child fails to establish a sense of worth around jobs well done or accomplishments. Worth becomes a reflection of material items only.
SCREAMER:
Gets drawn into screaming matches and name calling. This parental response usually stems from utter frustration and lack of alternative responses to the inappropriate behavior.
Ends up defending the screaming behavior rather than confronting the child's behavior. The child becomes skilled in deflecting his own behavior problems by focusing on the parent's "behavior problem" of screaming. While the parent usually knows that this behavior is wrong, they are so involved in the power struggle that they become defensive about their own behavior.
Often over-compensates for remorse by giving in. Because the parent does know that screaming is inappropriate and ineffective, and often an over- reaction to the actual misbehavior by their child, parents often become remorseful and apologetic. Because of this remorse, the easiest way out of the situation is to give in to the child.
WHAT THE CHILD LEARNS:
The parent is an emotional peer. The parent has come down to the child's behavioral level and both the child and parent are aware of this. The parent's authority and credibility are jeopardized.
No one is in control. The parent is supposed to be the one who is in control, sets limits, follows through on consequences, and maintains a rational perspective. Screaming matches shake this reality.
The parent is the one who needs to be take care of. Parental reactions to losing control are often emotional, running the gamut from increased anger and defensiveness, to guilt and remorse. During these parental emotional roller coasters, the child often remains emotionally neutral and in personal control.
TICKET PUNCHER:
Over-indulges the child emotionally. The parent takes any and all opportunities to shower their child with "love and attention" as a way to try to improve the parent/child relationship.
Makes excuses. To align with their child, the parents may join their child in making excuses for the misbehavior. Again this is a misguides attempt to strengthen the parent/child bond. Distributes blame. As a means of reducing the burden on their child, the parent may go overboard in including others in taking responsibilities for their child's misbehavior. For example, when their child is caught drinking beer, the parent may blame the friends as "bad influences" rather than focusing on their child and his misbehavior.
Defends the child's victim stance. This can happen in any situation where other authority figures are trying to maintain limits with their child. It often happens when teachers and school authorities impose limits and consequences for lack of school performance. The parent may join the child in criticizing the teachers for their poor teaching methods, harsh interactions or impossible homework.
Minimizes and trivializes the child's inappropriate behavior. The parent becomes so overwhelmed with their own inability to change their child's behavior that they begin to wishfully think that the problems aren't so bad. They join with their child in minimizing the problems, and ignoring the impact of this negative behavior.
Over-identifies and over-understands. As a way of desperately trying to connect with or join their child, parents will go overboard in trying to understand the child's perspective, point of view or "reason" for the misbehavior. Unfortunately, this increased understanding rarely leads to any real behavioral change in the child.
WHAT THE CHILD LEARNS
There is no objective right and wrong. Every behavior will be "understood", defended or blamed on others.
It's not my fault, so it's not my responsibility. The child does not need to manage his own behavior because he can justify all behavior as "caused" by others.
THE MARTYR:
Takes on the child's responsibilities. This is the parent who works very hard to make sure their child abides by the rules, e.g. wakes their child up repeatedly. The parent becomes actively involved in getting the child through each day, trying to minimize disruption and misbehavior along the way.
Constantly lowers expectations, giving unconditional acceptance. When the child doesn't fulfill and expectation or complete a task, the parent simply changes or lowers the expectations to the level that the child "might" do. That way the child is never wrong; the tasks are simply too difficult or demanding.
Fears the child will experience unhappiness or distress. The parent works to keep the child's life as "distress free" as possible, in an attempt to prevent the child's negative reaction and consequent misbehavior.
WHAT THE CHILD LEARNS
Learned helplessness is effective. The less ability the child demonstrates, the less is asked of him. He can always turn to others to solve his problems.
Unconditional approval can be demanded. You don't have to earn approval; you simply demand it and threaten to misbehave to get it.
Parent has no confidence in him. The ultimate lesson the child learns is that he is not competent to achieve tasks, earn approval or manage his own behavior. He becomes so dependent on others that he never gets to experience learning or doing something for himself.
**Also included in your workbook are:
Real life situations where the lessons have been implemented. A self-assessment which will help you to determine which parenting roles you use.
Action Steps Lesson 2: At the end of each lesson, there will be a section called action steps. This is where James will help you to implement what you have just learned. He will also tell you what to expect when implementing this lesson.
Now, I have to admit, I scored high on 3 of the 7 parenting roles. I don't think any of us really realize or think about exactly how we "parent" and what techniques we use. That is until you have a child that is difficult and we are forced to do something different. That's what The Total Transformation program teaches you. It makes you aware of how you are doing things and then gives you the input and information you need to change it around and make yourself more effective.
Whew, a lot of info to think about, I know. It's worth the effort though.
I hope you found the review of Lesson 2 to be helpful. If you're ready, come take a look at Total Transformation Lesson 3.
If you have any questions, email me at help@kid-tested-parent-approved.com and I will try to address any concerns that you have.
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